The Quiet Triumph I Hid Behind My Hoodie”

2008 — Age 18

I never told anyone I was studying for the GED.

Not because I was ashamed — but because the world had already formed its verdict about me: distracted, chaotic, inconsistent, “too much potential, not enough follow-through.”

So I studied in silence.

At night.

With about a hundred prep books (bought in secret), a dying pen, and my brain doing that electric-storm thing it does when my ADHD decides to turn into a superpower.

When I finally sat for the test, the staff kept glancing at me like they knew how the story usually ends for girls like me — bright eyes, tired spirit, a transcript full of interruptions.

Then the scores came.

One of the administrators actually did a double-take.

Another asked if I’d ever considered college-level research work.

Someone else whispered, “We’ve never seen this version of the exam scored this high.”

But the real earthquake?

My father.

He was livid when he found out I’d taken the GED behind his back — furious that I’d stepped out of the traditional plan he’d drawn for me.

Until he saw the scores.

His face shifted in real time:

anger → confusion → disbelief → something dangerously close to pride.

For the first time, it felt like the universe stamped a gold seal on the truth I had always carried quietly:

✨ I am not behind. I am not broken.

I was simply unrecognized brilliance waiting for a moment of silence to prove itself.

And I did. Or did I?

My Brain Has Too Many Open Tabs and None of Them Are Saved

Today’s mental tabs include:

the limbic system

why Jean Grey disappoints me but also inspires me

how to build a PHP-based login script

existential dread

a recipe for brownies

emotional fatigue

the neurochemistry of motivation

whether I should reorganize my closet

Spoiler: I did none of these.

I lay on my bed, face buried in my pillow, in the soft pink haze of my princess room, waiting for my neurons to pick a lane.

They didn’t.

When the Gifted Girl Grows Up

At 11, they said I was gifted.

At 12, they said I was exceptional.

At 17, they said I was destined for greatness.

At 18, they ask why I’m “falling behind.”

How do I explain that brilliance has a weight?

That the world’s expectations were too heavy for a teenage spine?

That burnout isn’t a flame you blow out —

it’s an implosion you carry quietly.

Gifted girls don’t become prodigies.

They become tired.

Even to dream…

ADHD Paralysis: The Invisible Avalanche

If anxiety is a storm, then ADHD paralysis is the moment after — when everything is eerily silent, yet devastating.

People think paralysis is laziness.

It isn’t.

It’s my mind running at 300 mph while my body moves at 0.

I can conceptualize an entire research project, outline a novel, diagnose a fictional character’s neurological disorder, analyze an X-Men plotline for sociopolitical relevance…

but I cannot make myself fold my laundry.

There is a cruelty in being brilliant in thought but frozen in action.

A quiet tragedy no one claps for.

Hey…look at that girl with her Doula Certification…

Said nobody ever.

On Being the Brown Girl Who Knows Too Much About the X-Men

People underestimate how academically rigorous comic books can be.

X-Men taught me more about sociology, allegory, and political psychology than half the textbooks I skimmed.

The Mutant Registration Act?

A metaphor for surveillance states, racial profiling, and state-sanctioned otherness.

Jean Grey’s Phoenix arc?

A dissertation on power, trauma, rebirth, and the terrifying elasticity of identity.

Magneto?

A case study in extremism born from generational grief.

Sometimes I wonder if I connect with mutants so deeply because I’ve always felt like one —

different, brilliant, misunderstood, and perpetually “too much” for the world around me.

…just not enough to get anywhere…

Burnout Phase 1 Officially Begins

Years of being “the smart girl” + “the too old parents’ last chance child” + “the secretly overwhelmed introvert/extrovert” has resulted in…

the legendary Under-the-Rock Era.

My brain has entered hibernation mode.

Please leave snacks at the entrance. Kindly, turn out the lights on your way out. (Burnouts hibernate best in the dark)

…somethings. gotta. give.

A Love Letter to My Own Brain (Even If It Forgets Me Sometimes)

I spent Valentine’s Day with the most inconsistent partner I’ve ever had:

my mind.

(No Tall, Dark and Handsome this blog post isn’t about you unfortunately! You’re nicer to me and my add/adhd bipolar self than I am by far thankfully! Not that you would ever know as this place of expression is MY one little secret and mine to keep)

Back to the star of this circus freak loaded train-wreck…the treacherous mini-minefield that which is my bleeding mind.

Sometimes she is dazzling — a constellation of ideas, insights, and unprovoked epiphanies.

Other times she is gone, drifting somewhere between “should I finally clean this room?” and “maybe I should learn quantum physics.”

I forgive her though.

She has given me the gift of hyperfocus — the superpower that lets me consume entire textbooks in one sitting.

And the curse of paralysis — the shadowed twin that leaves me staring at the wall, utterly immobilized.

It’s a strange romance, but it’s mine. (No babe, not talking about you again. Theres nothing strange about you! Well, definitely less strange then me… hmpfh.)

The Quiet Apocalypse of Turning Eighteen

There is a strange existential heaviness in being eighteen — as if the universe hands you a box labeled “Adulthood,” but when you open it, it’s just a thousand unsorted puzzle pieces that don’t even belong to the same picture.

My brain is a paradox:

Half of me wants to map out my life like a medical school syllabus, color-coded, annotated, pub-medified.

The other half wants to just give up, lie on my bed and contemplate the metaphysics of the dust particles on the underside of the shelf my poor slightly OCD very RN mother somehow missed as I was shooing her out of my room so she wouldn’t wrap the whole room up into a Hefty garbage bag and throw it out with the trash.

I oscillate between reading neuroanatomy for fun

and forgetting to eat because my executive function collapsed like a failed soufflé that someone forgot to add enough potassium bitartrate (aka cream of tartar) to to stabilize the egg whites.

…currently reading “The Cake Bible” by Beranbaum. (Don’t worry, I wouldn’t step into a kitchen with a hazmat suit on OR if you paid me. It’s really not bad for some late-night light reading though.)

…Then continuing to scarf down half the fridge once I’m over burnout-mode.

Is this growth? (My growing waist-band sure thinks so)

Or is this the soft beginning of a life changing, fully debilitating, paralysis mimicking and permanent burnout blooming quietly behind my ribs?

Both, probably. Definitely both.

…or is it my IBS firing up again from that dratted (yet, scrumptious) 5- course desi meal mom made for dinner again…

sigh…

I Think I’m Aging Out of Childhood & No One Warned Me

Responsibilities keep appearing like unwanted pop-ups:

“Turn that 99% to 100%” (Kill me now…)

“Take the Benz and grab the groceries” (CHILD-LABOR I say!!!)

“Teach your younger cousins more cultural values and better Urdu???” (Dad, seriously my cousins need to be teaching me ROFL!!!)

“Set the table” (Who do you think I am, mother??!!?? My sister?!!? BAH! BAH TO THE AUDACITY OF IT ALL!!!)

Meanwhile my increasingly random brain:

“What if we study Neuro-Linguistic Programming for fun?”